Regret
by Down the Highway
Summary: After Ziva 'dies' in season seven, Tony just can't stop thinking about her.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: i do not own NCIS. Even though i wish every night at 11:11, I know it's not gonna happen. So i make do with writing instead.**

Every night, when I lie in bed, I think of her. How her eyes twinkle when she laughs, how she sings quietly when listening to her ipod while working, how she unknowingly swings her hips when she walks, how she can make me smile while driving me insane. I think of how she laughs, loudly and exuberantly, how she smiles. I can think of so many different ways to describe her.**  
**I remember all the times she put her life on the line to protect me - how she refused to let me put myself in harms way. I remember all the times she rolled her eyes when I suggested an idea that was totally stupid, how she would smile smugly when I was proved wrong.

I think about the way she stuffs up idioms left, right and centre, how she acts all annoyed when I can't resist correcting her. How her stubbornness refuses her to be proved wrong.

I think about the way we met; me thinking about Kate, her coming up and asking "Having phone sex?" I still laugh about, even to this day, four years later.

Ziva David is one amazing woman.

And now, after it's too late to tell her, I realize that I love her.

I remember Gibbs telling us there were no survivors, how my heart broke in two. I think about how hard it is to get up in the mornings, knowing I'm never going to see her again.

But I don't regret it not at all. I'll never regret loving Ziva David.


	2. Chapter 2

**HI!!!! Here's another update for you. I don't normally write stories so fast, but the idea's fresh and i want to make the most of it. This was origanlly a one-shot so any suggestions as to what i should write are welcome. Thanks to Betherz, Lil J Girl Forever, .Green, Team Rosalie and Hiphuggers2 () for reviewing!!**

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I walked into the bullpen, feeling tired, irritable and grief stricken. Officially, I'm not supposed to be in work today, but i came in anyway, determined to at leats act like i want to be here. I sit down at my desk and just stare at the empty desk in front of me, memories of Ziva flooding my mind. Only this time, it wasn't pleasant (if memories of a lost friend can be pleasant), it was painful. Every memory felt like a punch in the chest. A million blows of her threatening to kill me 18 different ways with a paperclip, her sticking up for McGee when I teased him her, arguing with Gibbs when she didn't want to do something.

I guess I should've stayed at home today, the memories are too strong here. I look up as McGee walks in, looking surprised to see me here. He sees my stricken expression - he walks up and puts his hand on my shoulder. But he doesn't say anything about it, instead saying, "Abby wants to see you Tony." I nod and stand up, passing Gibbs on the way to the elevator. But he too doesn't say anything. I must've looked worst than I thought.

The ride down to the lab was hard, memories still rolling through my mind. Soon, I get frustrated with them, and try my hardest not to think, failing miserably. I feel my control slipping, knowing that these memories were too much. I didn't notice when I reached Abby's lab, didn't notice when I walked inside. The next thing I knew was Abby's arms around me, with hot tears falling down my cheeks. I felt Abby shake in my arms and felt bad for not being strong for her, but I needed to let it out. Soon, she stepped away, her eyes rimmed with red. She put her hands on my shoulders and looked into my eyes with such deterimation I almost smiled. Then she pulled me back into her arms for another hug. She whispered something in my ear, and it made me smile.

"It'll be okay Tony."

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**I feel bad for writing such short chapters. Please review, I love to get feed back!!! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hiya!!! I think this chapter belongs to Betherzz, who who came up with the idea for this chapter. Thank you so, so much!!! This chapter is in Gibbs POV, just to see how badly everything affected Tony. Hope you like it. Sorry for the REALLY long wait since my last update. It's just that my other story, Finding the Truth, is taking up all my writing time. So, after you've read (and hopefully reviewed) this chapter, you'll go check it out!! Thanx :)  


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**I stare at the half finished boat in front of me, waiting for that inevitable visitor to walk down the stairs. I finished my drink and was halfway through a second when I heard footsteps on the stairs. I didn't bother to look up, seeing I already knew who it was. So I just keep on sanding down a piece of wood to perfection. It wasn't until I heard them trip on the last step did I realise that Tony definitely wouldn't be sober at this time of night, especially after that last case we just had.

Tony pulled himself up off the floor and stumbled over to the boat, collapsing heavily onto it. I barely heard his mumbled apologies. After a while he fell silent, struggling to find something to say. But nothing ever came out. So, I hoped that he wasn't going to say anything. Not like that'd happen or anything.

"I loved her, you know." I froze at his words, but not bothering to hide my reaction. But he didn't stop there. Of course he didn't.

"And now she's gone, and I can't tell her, and I can't take back all the things I said that I shouldn't have said, I can't apologise for all the things I didn't mean to do." He took a deep breath in, and continued.

"And nothing ever got to happen either, because I was scared to tell her. So I sat there day after day and kept everything a secret from her. And there were times where I think she wanted me to say it, but I couldn't pluck up the courage to do it." He looked at Gibbs, and his eyes filled with tears.

"I regret everything Gibbs. Except loving her. It was the best part of my life." A sparkling tear slid down his cheek. Gibbs sighed and turned around. Then he reachedover and slapped him hard on the back of the head. Tony blinked in surprise, obviously not expecting it.

"Thanks boss." Gibbs shook his head slowly and turned back to his boat, picking up his sander. He slowly worked on a piece of wood, staying silent for a while. He didn't speak until he heard Tony start to leave.

"I miss her too, DiNozzo." Tony stopped short.

"Boss?"

Gibbs spoke again, not turning around from the boat.

"You're not the only one with regrets. I regret not being there for her when she needed it. I regret not letting you two talk about how you feel for each other. And I regret letting her go." Gibbs stopped sanding and turned around to face Tony, watching him cry. He when over to him and gathered him into a hug, big and comforting. He whispered one thing into his hair before he let him go.

"I'm sorry."

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**YAY!!! I finally finished it!! I typed it up in IT :) I kinda made myself cry at the end, when Gibbs said sorry. I don't think I'll ever do it again :(**

**This in un-betaed, so all my mistakes are my own :P**

**Anyway... Hope you guys liked it. I think it turned out ok. And, before you go, do you mind leaving a review?? I like feedback, it makes me smile :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**I really wanted to post this quickly, so it's un-betaed and any mistakes in it are my own fault :) Thank you to all you lovely people who reviewed. I seriously got like, 8. I was soooo happy :) Anyways next chapter for ya. Enjoy.!!!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, except my computer. And... nothing else. Life is sad... :(**

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I lay on my couch, mulling over everything that had happened today. Our case was perfect, showing exactly where we needed to go to get Saleem. But Vance turned it down, ungrateful barstard. I remember walking down to Abby's lab, talking about which part wasn't good enough for him. We came up empty.

I remember Walking up to see Gibbs, voulenteering both myself and McGee for the mission. We were going to leave tomorrow, to go get that filth that killed Ziva. I was kinda looking forward to do that; if I couldn't get Ziva back, I would just have to kill the man that's stopping me from doing it.

Then the memories start coming back again. Except, this time they don't hurt, they're... pleasant. Her smile, her laugh. And, strangely enough, the way she was around kids. Well, one in particular. Amanda, Michelle's little sister. Ziva looked after her like she was her own. And I remember the way she teared up when Gibbs told Amanda that her sister was dead, how she looked so vunerable in that one moment.

I pick myself up off the couch and walk off to my room down the hall. I get into bed, and try to sleep. Unfortuanetly, I have no such luck. But it wasn't memories playing in my head this time, it was possible senarioes for tomorrow.

Get in and die, die before we get in, kill Saleem then die, kill Saleem then get out alive.

But never once did I think about Ziva being alive.

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**It's kinda short, but then again, they all are. Hopefully next chapter will be longer :)**

**And we're finally getting close to the end!! YAY!!! Only one or two more to go :)**

**Hopefully, if you're really, really lucky, the next one will be up soon :) I'n in the typing mood :P**

**Now you've read it, do you mind reviewing? It'll take like, 30 seconds, and it'll make me very happy :) And the next chapter might come more quickly too. :)  
**


	5. Chapter 5

**Okay... chapter five, here we come!!! I plan to make this longer than the other chapters, because they were all so short. Some reviewers even said they were short!! So, I apologise, and I will try my hardest to make this one longer. And better :) (coz everyone likes better, right?)  
And thank you so, so much to those who reviewed. Even though I got like, seven, I saw the amount of people reading and not reviewing. And my smile got just that little bit smaller. So after you've read, please review. They really, really do make me happy :) And I'm rambling, so I'll get on with it...**

**Disclaimer: I own the Doritos I'm eating now, and I own my glasses that are helping me see. But other than that... nope, nothing to do with NCIS. Except... wait, no.

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"If I could drag her back I'd do it in a heartbeat, but that's impossible... Ziva David is dead."

I look into Saleem's eyes, and see the surprise in them. But surprise at what? The name, the fact that she is dead, or the fact I would do anything for this "lost team mate" of mine. I really don't know. But soon the surprise is gone; leaving behind what I think is glee. Cruel, sadistic glee, but it's glee all the same.

I kinda zone out after that, really starting to feel the effects of that damn truth serum he gave me. The lights started to shimmer, and I could feel my mouth moving, talking about the other members of the team. After he's finished knowing everything he needs to know about the others, he asks how I found him. So I start explaining to him about the trail of Caf-Pow's he left behind him.

That pissed him off something bad.

He threw his canteen against the wall, and he stalked out of the room, leaving me just watching the Caf-Pow spill out onto the floor. Somehow, I still couldn't believe this man drank Caf-Pow. He was nothing like Abby, and the only person who I can associate with Caf-Pow is Abby. He was so serious, yet most of the time Abby jokes around. He was so still, yet Abby is always bouncing around. I shake my head slightly. I just couldn't believe it.

I remember asking Tim if he was ok, but I don't remember ever hearing the answer. I start to feel sleepy, and I am just starting to drift off when the door bangs open, revealing Saleem, and someone with their head in a bag. He shoved them into the chair opposite me, and pulls the bag over their head. I hear him say something about talking or dying, but I wasn't really listening to him. My attention was riveted on the person sitting across from me. Their eyes met mine, and all of a sudden, it hit.

The person in front of me was Ziva David.

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Saleem marched out of the room for the second time that day, leaving me to stare at Ziva, absolutely amazed that she was alive. She had been pretty badly beaten up, and she looked like she hadn't eaten for weeks. But she was alive, and I was the happiest I've been for weeks, I have to hold back a smile.

"Are you ok, McGee?" My spirits dampened slightly when she asked Tim, andnot me, if he was alright. Instead of showing my reaction, I plaster a grin on my face, surprised it was only half fake.

"So... How was your summer?" Ziva glared at me, obviously not appreciating my attempt at homour. My smile faltered.

"Tony, why are you here?" I truthfully didn't know how to answer that. So instead, I make some lame attempt at a joke, and she sighs.

"Tony, _why_ are you _here_?" I looked down, and try to swallow.

"Couldn't live without you, I guess." Her eyes light up in surprise, and Saleem walks back into the room. He grabs Her hair, and she answers his question without hesitation. The next few events happened in a blur; Tim tries to grab his weapon after I give the signal, Saleem pulls a gun on him, and I tell Saleem that he was going to die. His eyes light up in surprise as the shot rings out. Tim unties me, and together we grab Ziva, who is just staring at Saleem, lying on the floor, blood pooling behind his head.

We walk through the hallways, until we find Gibbs. He helps us out into a waiting car, and we ride to the waiting chopper, just a few miles away. We pile into it, and I end up sitting next to Ziva.

We start off sitting rigid, with as much space between our arms as we could have in such a small space. After a while, I start stroking her hair, whipsering in her ear.

"It's all gonna be okay."


	6. Chapter 6

**Did anyone notice that last chapter was longer??? I tried to make it as long as I could, then I stopped halfway through, and went to bed. Never do that. So I almost ended it halfway. But I kept going, at least for a little while.  
And I'm excited that people are reviewing. And I thank you :) My big aim is to get 50 reviews. Do you think you could help me with that??? That would be sooo awesome.  
This is going to be the last chapter for this story, but I might write a sequel or something. So if you have any ideas for it, tell me! :P  
And enough with my rambling, and on with the story!!**

**Disclaimer: If I told you I got a letter last night telling me I was the brand new owner of NCIS, would you be able to tell I'm lying??

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**They stood in the elevator, each of them staring at a different place; Gibbs stared at the doors in front of him, McGee studied his feet, Tony gazed at the corner, and Ziva tried her hardest to catch Tony's eye. Tony felt her gaze on the side of his head, but didn't dare turn around, instead flashing back to that dark, dusty room back in Somalia.

_"Of all the people who could've found me, it had to be you."_

Tony didn't want to meet her eyes because he was scared of might he might see in them. He didn't know which possibility was worse; eyes filled with a murderous rage, or eyes that were void of all emotion, eyes that were dead. He shuddered slightly, and went back to ignoring the watchful gaze that was burning a hole in his head.

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Ziva stared at him, disappointed that he wasn't turning around to look at her. His neck was stiff, rigid with tension, probably from trying not to look at her. She sighed silently, thinking that he thought she wasn't worth his attention anymore. After all he did rescue her from Somalia, she shouldn't expect anything more. But she still felt a wave of rejection wash through her, leaving her chest aching and throat burning with unshed tears.

She tried to keep control, but was failing, miserably. She felt her eyes fill with moisture, the salty tears clouding her vision, and her next breath hitched in her throat. Her eyes closed, the elevator walls hidden from her sight. She was just so tired...

She felt someone watching her, but didn't open her eyes to see who it was.

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Tony watched Ziva sway lightly on her feet, and wondered if she was going to pass out. He studied her face, and was shocked to tears sparkling under her closed eyelids. As he continued to watch, her shoulders started to shake, and a lone tear traveled down her cheek. She reached up and wiped it away forcefully. He felt his heart breaking for her, and had to swallow away the lump that had suddenly appeared in his throat. She shook her head, stood up straight and opened her eyes, catching him looking at her. She looked away quickly, staring at the back of Gibbs' head. He kept on looking at her.

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She stared at the back of Gibbs' head, humiliated the he had caught her crying. She left her chin wobbling, and clenched her teeth together to keep the tears from falling again. She could still feel his eyes burning a hole in her head, and tried her hardest to ignore it.

But what he did next threw all thoughts of ignoring Tony of of her head.

She jumped slightly when she felt his hand cover hers, and she had to look down to see if it has actually happening, and not a figment of her imagination. When she saw it was real, she looked up at him, and smiled. He smiled back, and let go of her hand as the elevator doors opened.

Looks like Tony wanted her back after all.

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**Heyyy. I'm sorry it's short, I did try to make it longer, but inspiration ran out when I was called to dinner :( So I had to end it.  
So, I hope you all enjoyed it, the final chapter!! I would like appreciate reviews :) They make me smile :)**

**So, go check out my other stories!!! Please?? :P**

**Luv, Bec  
**


	7. AN

Authors note:

Okay, remeber how I said I would write a sequel for you? Well, I started! Big yay :) It's called "Stay with Me" Yeah, I know it's a lame title, but could you give it a chance? My friend said it made her cry... Quite sad really...

Aw well, read it, review it, make me happy :)

luv Team Ziva


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